Off the Cuff
   The male voice will receive an early visit to the depths of page three this semester as my esteemed colleague Rebekah Monson decided to give “The Loud Speaker” a belated birthday gift (feel free to send cash or elaborate gifts to the sports desk).
   Last semester, the infamous “What the Chuck” and I created a guide for gentlemen to use in their endeavors with the ladies of the LSU campus.
   Topics were discussed such as cuddling, paying for gourmet value meals from McDonald’s and the ever-important courtesy test, in which the guy opens the car door for a girl, and she better lean over to unlock and open it or she can hit the curb.
   My bitter remarks on dating did not just pop in my head out of the blue. A series of events spurred those revolutionary theories which men across the world should follow and women should respect and love.
   Call it a compilation of events where the deviant woman played those silly games to see who possesses the so-called upper hand, but the following events shaped me into the grumpy bachelor I have become.
     Scenario one — Not such a Happy Valentine’s Day.
      Jimmy (of course you won’t get the real name) and his old lady decided not to give each other a gift for the market-driven holiday because our enormous pay checks won’t come in until 2020.
      But like the gentleman that he was, he bought her flowers with his limited cash supply and had one of her friends put the bouquet in her bedroom in an attempt to brighten her day.
     The response — “The flowers are giving me a headache. I’m going to get rid of them.”
I thought that was pretty bad.
     Scenario two — Shoving the new guy in your face.
      Wayne (again, this is an alias) celebrated a birthday a few weeks ago, and figured his ex would give him a courtesy call for the occasion.
     The response — He sees it’s her on the cell phone so Wayne gladly answers the phone. She yells at him for not having voice mail on his Tracfone (a.k.a high-quality Circle K phone) to leave a happy birthday message. Then she proceeds to unleash her anger about some of the items she left behind and says she wants to come to his place to pick up her belongings.
      Nevermind a year earlier she wanted Wayne to have her cat live at his apartment because she couldn’t have pets in her sorority house for his birthday.
      He leaves his highly stressful job at an apartment complex to round up her things, and she arrives with her new man to pick them up, only mentioning something about having a happy birthday as she left.
      Well, needless to say, that made his day quite sparkling.
I certainly won’t mention the many mishaps I’ve had because the ladies of LSU can’t follow my stringent rules of thumb, especially the courtesy test.
      If anyone wants to question my bitterness for any reason or give me reasons to why I should deviate from my ways e-mail me at [email protected]. Larry Holder