I’m generally not much of a conspiracy theorist, but I think I’ve stumbled onto something the American people might be interested in knowing.
It all started late last week when I bought a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit and an orange juice from the cafeteria at work.
That feast of a meal cost more than three dollars, which is highway robbery if you ask me.
I started griping to anyone who would listen about the injustice that had befallen me. One co-worker just looked at me and said, “But, Seth, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”
While that statement has generally become a consensus opinion in society, something didn’t sound right about it.
I just wasn’t able to figure out exactly what it was.
I muddled over it day and night, frantically hoping for that sliver of enlightenment that would rest my weary brain.
I slept fitfully that night.
The next morning, I dragged my defeated body out of bed and got in the shower with the metaphoric breakfast monkey still on my back.
I bent down to pick up the soap – and that’s when it nailed me.
Breakfast isn’t the most important meal of the day, people just say it is because it’s the one meal nobody eats.
Everybody already eats lunch and dinner, so there’s no reason to encourage us to keep doing it.
Breakfast runs on an entirely different supply line than its two counterparts.
Except for weird people like me who would drink milk with prime rib, most of the things you consume for breakfast aren’t used for the other two meals.
If people aren’t eating grits, then the demand for grits goes down, there is a grits surplus, and prices plummet, leaving the government no choice but to subsidize to help our failing grits farms.
It’s the economy, stupid.
If we don’t drink orange juice, Florida’s economy crumbles and it’s nothing more than this peninsula dangling limply into the Atlantic where we send our old and decrepit to die a happy, wealthy death.
So Joe Congressmen, after being lobbied by the grits farmers in his district, gets some incriminating evidence on the surgeon general, who has no choice but to come out and tell John Q. Breakfastskipper that he has erred in his ways.
Instead of turbo-charging himself with a pot of coffee, John should begin each day with a balanced meal of grits and fresh-squeezed Florida orange juice because it has just been discovered after thousands of years of research that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Poppycock.
As soon as the barley farms in America start failing, it’s going to be the same song, just a new verse.
Instead of eating grits and orange juice, you should be consuming more Pabst Blue Ribbon (voted best beer in America in 1893), because after thousands of years of research, it has been discovered that beerfest, the oft-neglected meal, is actually the most important meal of the day.
As a result of my new-found enlightenment, I’m going to start a grassroots movement.
Its enormous magnitude is going to rival the last big grassroots movement in America that also failed because the person who started it was also an idiot.
I encourage everyone to fight back against the government breakfast conspiracy and start skipping breakfast again.
Now pass me a Pabst, it’s beerfest time.