So, I really think Martha Stewart is a man.
I know that has nothing to do with anything, but I thought I’d let you know.
Yep, Martha Stewart is a man, and Michael Jackson is really a pedophile — and to think all this time we thought he was white.
Huh, maybe that’s the reason he made himself white… so he could be a pedophile.
Because we all know every respectable pedophile is white.
Don’t you love stereotypes?
They make judging people so much easier.
Anywho, I got abducted by aliens last night.
It’s true. I was sitting on my back porch when all of a sudden a beam of light came down from the heavens.
It was kinda like a tube of light… kinda.
So anyway, this little alien walked out of the beam of light, right there in my back yard.
What do you say to an alien?
“What’s up, man?”
He just said, “Ah, not a whole lot.”
I was like, “Cool hat.”
And he was like, “I know. It’s foam in the front and mesh in the back.”
“So why are you here?”
“I’m going to see ‘The Passion of the Christ.’ I bought tickets online… you wanna come?”
I said, “Sure.”
I mean, how often do you get to go see a movie about the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth with an alien?
So we went. I cried; he cried.
We walked out and sat on the curb in front of the theater, and talked about life and death and life after death.
Then he transported both of us back to the mother ship for some cocktails.
Did you know aliens drink Smirnoff Ice? I didn’t.
I was already pretty emotional because of the movie, and then I got drunk.
One thing led to another, and the next thing you know I was on an examination table with a metal tube up my ass, and an apple in my mouth.
To be honest, I was a bit confused about the apple.
Then I blacked out.
I woke up this morning in my bed to the sound of a loud knock on my door.
I got up — holy crap, did my ass hurt.
I threw on my robe and answered the door.
It was a flower delivery guy with a dozen red roses all arranged in a vase.
I’ve never gotten flowers before.
I signed for them and closed the door.
I sat the vase down on my dining room table, and proceeded to read the card.
“Thanks for last night. You were amazing. Love Always, Alien.”
Huh, well at least he sent flowers, but he didn’t call.