Adam Smith … sexual revolutionist.
Now, I might be stepping on the toes of my esteemed colleague Jessica Pivik, but from a man who has spent most of his intimate encounters “on bottom,” I feel compelled to dedicate this week’s Cuff to the morbid and twisted world of capital “R” Relationships — just in time for Valentine’s Day.
As some of you business majors know, Adam Smith published a little book called “The Wealth of Nations” in 1776. In that book he elaborated on the philosophies of a growing economical movement known as capitalism.
We all know about capitalism, and practice it on a day-to-day basis in all of our consumer affairs.
And we also know that competition is a vital part of this whole abstract idea of capitalism.
Why?
Because competition lends itself to better service, better quality, and cheaper prices.
Why should sex be any different?
So here I am, 5 days before Valentine’s Day, and I have no Valentine; like last year’s car models on this year’s car lot.
Only one thing to do now … drastically lower my price.
That’s right folks, I gotta clear the lot to make room for all the new goods arriving daily.
I tried advertisement. It didn’t work.
I gave test drives. They weren’t impressed.
I even took a few to dinner, but bribery rarely ends with dignity.
That, plus you’re out at least 50 bucks, and you still go to sleep spooning a pillow who you have pathetically named Audrey.
You see, if this was Tijuana, I might have still gone to bed alone, but I guarantee I would still be sweating from the $50 loving a middle-aged prostitute named Bonita gave me.
So why date, if you can “get it” regardless of sexual chemistry for roughly the same price?
Because we think that if there’s enough chemistry, we might just get a deal on “it” in the future.
And then there’s always the “quality” hang up.
As good as Bonita may be, she isn’t someone I’d bring home to mom.
Everyone wants someone who is better than they are.
No one ever wants to settle for someone they may consider below their standards.
Thus, no one ends up with anyone better, because everyone better won’t lower their standards.
Therefore, we are all caught up in a perpetual spiral of rejection and rejecting until we realize that the only person who is “good enough” for us but not too “good enough” for us is ourselves, and that’s why we have masturbation.
But masturbation is only fun for a while, then it just gets old and depressing, because you realize that the pictures and/or memories you’re masturbating to are just that — pictures and memories.
So, there you are using mediated sources to try and gain an immediate sensation.
And, you realize that it just sucks, and end up lowering your standards to gain the immediate source only at the expense of the quality of the sensation.
Then a second realization strikes you and you dump your lowered standard and praise the single life until masturbation gets old again.
It’s the circle of sex; and there’s nothing we can do but get married and deal with whatever concession we make, whether it be quality or masturbation.