Welcome to the holiday season, the closest thing we as a modern society have to the Hunger Games. It’s a chance for a proverbial bloodbath between family and friends alike.
If you’re anything like me, you enjoy a good argument. You take pride in winning arguments. You relish a good old family feud, an itch that can only be scratched by taking board games a little too seriously or having a bitter argument with an estranged uncle.
The following article comprises my tips and tricks for starting petty arguments that can involve you or allow you to start them and disappear into the background. Use at your own risk.
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Politics:
The oldest trick in the book. Politics are often a point of contention for any family, but fresh off the election with two pulverizing candidates still fresh on everyone’s mind is an unprecedented opportunity for the family shit-stirrer. Maybe just name-drop Nancy Pelosi, or go full throttle and accuse someone of voting against your family’s values. Discuss voting against individuals’ rights or that neopronouns are invalid, whichever best irritates your family.
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The Feast:
Never bite the hand that feeds, goes the old proverb, unless you want to be an absolute prick. The trick to this is to insult the food in a variety of ways. Push it around your plate whilst whining glumly. Beg for sauce because the turkey is so dry. Ask the chef of the family if they got their recipe from TikTok. All in all, be the most horrible guest.
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Ancient History:
Bring up ancient family history. I’m talking about feuds from five and below. Were you pushed off a bike? Bring that up and be mad, blame everything that has ever gone wrong in your life on that. Make people miserable.
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Household:
It’s your first time visiting in a while, so inspect every surface for dust. Check the family dog; has it been washed thoroughly? Are the floors spotless? Is there hard water in the bowl of your toilet? Soap scum in the shower? If there happens to be anything left unpolished, you must insinuate that it makes you feel like you just aren’t worth the trouble in your host’s eyes. Lament how worthless you are to them. Scorn them for being so careless.
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Dramatics:
This is perhaps the most unhinged section. Fake a terminal illness and die at the dinner table. Purposefully inject yourself with an allergen and then blame the host for poisoning you. Cry, scream, sob, fatally curse someone. Look at the stuffed turkey and become a walking PETA ad. Do whatever you can to unleash the inner theatre major hidden within yourself.
Do not quit; stay hungry for the uncomfortableness of conflict because you know it breeds growth.
Now, go back and read this article and recognize that everything listed is things you shouldn’t do this, or any, holiday season. These are the times to gather close and cherish one another. Have fun, and stay safe.
Garrett McEntee is a 19-year-old English sophomore from Benton.
