On Monday, all my dreams died when Michelle Rodriguez, formerly linked to model Cara Delivigne, was caught in a romantic embrace with boy band reject Zac Efron. And yesterday, the world stopped turning when People Magazine broke my heart by confirming Eva Mendes is pregnant with Ryan Gosling’s baby. In the wake of these tragedies, I’ve compiled a list of the most upsetting celebrity hookups of all time:
1. Chris Brown and Rihanna — these two just need to do themselves a favor and never speak to each other again. It’s like watching a train wreck  — the same train wreck over and over again. We’ve all been there, RiRi. Please just get back on Instagram again.
2. Emilia Clarke and Seth MacFarlane — I get it, Daenerys. Everyone loves a funny guy. But Seth MacFarlane? Sure, Family Guy was funny in 2005, but we’ve all moved on, and you should too, dude. Emilia Clarke is Daenerys of the house Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons. Seth MacFarlane made Ted.
3. Charlie Sheen and Winona Rider — yes, apparently this happened. A lot happened in the 1980s. A lot of coke happened in the 1980s too, which may explain this odd couple. The two apparently met on the set of “Lucas” in 1986, and Charlie even claims to have given Winona her stage name. Obviously they’ve both spiraled downward since.
4. Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne — ugh, I still don’t want to believe this is a thing. The two worst musical acts from Canada decided to combine crappy music forces and get married. The only thing that could make this couple worse would be if they transformed into a polyamourous triad with Justin Bieber. I don’t want to even put that thought out into the universe for fear it manifests.
5. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis — when I first read these two hooked up, I thought I’d been Punk’d! Not really, because that show was awful. Remember when Ashton made Justin Timberlake cry? But I’ll be real for a second: I can’t decide who’s hotter between these two. I hate them because I want to be them, and I can’t. They’re actually too perfect. It’s like all my “That 70s Show” fan fiction finally actualized itself. Their child will doubtlessly be gorgeous and hilarious.
6. Olivier Sarkozy and one of the Olsen Twins — look, I can’t tell them apart and neither can you. One of the tiny, bite-sized Olsen twins is caught in a bad romance with former French president Nicolas Sarkozy’s older, uglier brother Olivier. He looks like her dad, and it’s weird. His daughter is literally taller than Olsen.