On July 10, The Daily Reveille outlined the changes to the University’s new policies regulating Greek life. These changes included an update to PS-78, the controversial decision to ban on-campus tailgates consisting of 10 or more Greeks.
As a Greek-born Tiger fan who only makes the Marathon from our home in Corinth, Louisiana to Baton Rouge VI-VII times a year during the American futbol season, I was ooked to see such startling headlines about the “Greek Ban” initiated on campus last fall. I was equally flummoxed to read in a follow-up article this week that the Orwellian-sounding “Oversight Committee on Greek Life” has been officially implemented by the leaders of our Academy. At this rate, it’ll only be a matter of days before the Committee votes to convert Mike the Tiger’s habitat into a Greek internment camp.
For the past XXV years, the Fuentonomolopolous family – which consists of my beautiful second and fourth wives (Konstantina and Adelpha, respectively), our live-in lover Dimitris, and our 24 children and stepchildren – has tailgated before every home LSU football game at our ancestral spot inside the Greek Amphitheater. Though our heritage is Athenian, our dedication to our beloved Tigers can only be described as Spartan.
Due to the Greek travel ban, we couldn’t risk making the crusade to campus last fall. We couldn’t watch our beloved Tigers devour the Syracuseans, long-time rivals of the Greeks. It is no accident that the Trojans of Troy upset the Tigers when our Greek armada was barred from pulling our Trojan Horse RV into the concrete fortress of Death Valley.
This travel ban on Greek refugees is blatantly unconstitutional. Its effects on our family have been nothing short of a Big Fat Greek Tragedy.
As a dyed-in-the-wool Tiger fan, I will not submit to the anti-Greek hysteria currently undermining the Greek pillars of our Democracy. And I will not let the xenophobic leaders of our Academy drive our family asunder.
If the oligarchs at LSU want to engage in a Persian-esque overthrow of our Big Fat Greek Tailgate, they can do so over My Big Fat Dead Greek Body.
Contrary to the negative press we’ve received as of late, Greeks pose no existential threat to the Tiger Nation. Leaving aside a few regrettable centuries of our history, Greeks are a peace-loving people. Most of us condemn radical Greek terrorist groups like Hummus.
Greeks have also made significant contributions to Western Civilization. We bequeathed philosophy to the world through Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. Our artistic approach to construction revolutionized architecture; in fact, this Greco-Roman style dominates much of LSU’s campus. For centuries, we’ve proven that man can, indeed, live on bread (and wine) alone.
Granted, stereotypes about us being loud and ill-tempered are generally valid. And admittedly, centuries of occupation, bad governance, and excessive wine consumption might’ve left us with a less-than-Spartan work ethic. And sure, we run up enormous debts. But does that really make us any different than Americans, or the average LSU student?
You might think so. But frankly, it’s all Greek to me.
The Greek people already endured occupation and overthrow at the hands of one vengeful King Alexander the Great. We won’t let it happen again at the hands of the even more vengeful F. King Alexander.
That’s why I’m calling for all members of the LSU community, no matter their race or screed (Macedonians need not apply), to form a phalanx around our Greek members to ensure that it doesn’t happen again on our sundial.
Racism has long been our school’s Achilles Heel. It’s time we heal that wound. I will continue to steadfastly pray to Zeus, Athena, and all the other mythological gods in the Parthenon that the University will stop drinking the koolaid-flavored hemlock of racial hysteria so that we will once again be permitted to tailgate as a Big Fat Greek family.
Until then, consider this a Big Fat Hairy Greek middle finger to the xenophobes at LSU.
Felip Fuentonomopolous (Felipe Fuentes) is a freshman psychology and mass communication major.
