Today I write in tribute to my dear friend Thomas Higgins The Health Care Professional.
Thomas Higgins The Health Care Professional is a man among men … almost.
He is the salt of the earth, the twinkle in my eye, the quintessential ladies man, a scholar and a gentleman, and a male nurse.
Ha, sorry that’s just funny.
Anywho, Thomas Higgins The Health Care Professional, as his friends call him Tommy Higgins The Health Care Professional, is a master of catheter installation, and any compacted senior citizen’s dream for a manual digitized enema-giver guy – magic hands.
He is 6 foot 2 inches, 195 pounds of lean muscle mass with a jaw that could cut aluminum cans, and hands as soft as Charmin bathroom tissue.
You see, I first meet Thomas Higgins at Charity Hospital in New Orleans.
I was there to get a physical so I could compete in the World Series of Croquet, The International Association Of Lawn Sport World Championship Invitational Tourney.
I was waiting in a small examination room, rolling around on those cool little stools they have, (I love the noise they make when you scoot across the slick tile) when in walked Thomas Higgins The Health Care Professional.
He was gripping a small clipboard in his right hand, a hospital gown in the left, with a Bic Roller-Ball pen in his mouth – a blue one.
I said, “Wow, a Bic Roller-Ball pen, and it’s blue!”
He replied, “Change into this.”
He handed me the gown.
Confused, I asked, “Why do I need to change into this? I’m only here for a physical.”
Squeezing his giant hands into a small latex glove he softly spoke, “I’m thorough.”
SNAP. The sound of the stretched glove crashing against his wrist made the hair on my inner thigh stand straight up.
I timidly changed into the gown as he sat on the stool, his back turned to me scribbling on his clipboard.
“Ready,” he said impatiently, and in a breathless voice I replied, “Yes.”
He motioned for me to lay on the examination table-I did.
I just couldn’t help but think of that Lifetime movie I had seen once about the gyno who took advantage of his patients; I think the name of it was “Back in the Stirrups.”
The stethoscope was very cold, but for the most part the respiration exam wasn’t that bad. Then he said, “All right, stand up and hoist up that gown.” So I did.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I haven’t even introduced myself. Ga, I can’t believe how rude I can be some times. I’m Thomas Higgins The Health Care Professional.”
“Uh, I’m Jay Melder.”
“Nice to meet you, Jay. Now, turn your head and cough.”
Did I mention he had soft hands?