Editor’s note: The following letter is satire.
“War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength” George Orwell wrote.
American bombs have brought peace in the Middle East yet again. Our President Donald Trump has announced peace with Iran. His ceasefire deal was accepted promptly by the gracious Iranian people. Comrade Netanyahu has imparted his wisdom upon our people’s republic with his intelligence on the Ayatollah’s location.
Although no Israeli peacekeepers have boots on the ground, Trump has announced the sacrifice of our comrades’ lives in carrying out special operation Epic Fury. It is our greatest honor to be recognized by the Great Leader, to give our ultimate gift to carry out our glorious mission of sharing democratic ideals with Patriot missiles.
The Iranian proletariat will rain praises upon our merciful regime and be freed to rise up against their bourgeoisie captors, the IRGC. They will become enlightened, just as we are, and learn to recognize the benefits of our meritocratic capitalist system. They will be well fed, housed, and treated by establishing a free market system that mirrors ours, shirking trade with the abhorrent Russians and Chinese and giving us access to their oil. We have established a precedent in Venezuela, where the citizens have been freed from their authoritarian shackles simply by sharing their natural resources with our people’s republic. They, too, have rained their praises on us from our blessings of bombs upon their nation.
Furthermore, the IRGC deserves the ultimate punishment for their deceit to their world in their preparations for nuclear warfare. Our democratic republic holds the omnipotent vote power to approve uranium enrichment across the entire world, and to cross us means certain death. Diplomatic means had previously been employed through the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action, but Comrade Netanyahu warned us of Iran’s malicious intent to take over the region and the world, their antisemitism and support for the Palestinians. Despite the Iranian reports that they have not enriched uranium for purposes beyond civilian use even when we withdrew from the JCPOA, our Israeli comrades and our competent CIA knew better. Our comprehensive sanctions regime should have already freed the Iranians, as they have in Cuba, North Korea, Syria and Venezuela. Fear not, as our militant actions are the perfect answer that has always succeeded. Our people’s republic has never lost a war.
“The revolution that began in 1776 has not ended. God Bless America.” Trump said.
Hang Vu is a senior studying biochemistry.
