Graduation rates are on the rise, and student debt is as monstrous as ever. But let’s get to the stats that matter.
Contrary to popular belief, LSU is not the number one party school, according to Playboy magazine and Buzzfeed. Nope, not first. The University isn’t even in the top 10 on the Princeton Review. The University tops out at number 7 on the Playboy list, behind the University of South Carolina and one spot above the University of Georgia. Something is wrong with that picture.
To truly become the No. 1 party school in the nation, the Office of the Dean of Students will implement new standards required for graduation. Other campus resources will follow suit with various initiatives to make sure the University gets the first place title it deserves.
The dreaded humanities necessary for all majors will now be replaced with classes focused on social media. Yes, you will finally be able to check Twitter and Tinder freely during class, though you were probably already doing it, without the worry of pesky professors and their no-cellphone policies.
The main focus of the class will be how to start drama with someone in 140 characters or fewer, how to craft tweets that will get more than 1,000 retweets and how to not seem super desperate when you talk to your Tinder match. Why worry about philosophy when your follower count barely exceeds 2,000 or you only have six Tinder matches?
Grad students are also going to benefit from a new thesis regulation. Long gone are the days of 20-page research papers. Ain’t nobody got time for that. From now on, in order to graduate with a Master’s or Ph.D, students must submit an anecdote on Twitter’s famous Collegefession. Seems easy right? Wrong. Collegefession only posts the raunchiest and juiciest confessions, so you better go out there and make your school proud if you want to graduate.
The dining halls will also receive an update. Party animals have to stay hydrated, so The 5 and The 459 are implementing new Gatorade, Powerade and aspirin dispensing stations for the morning after a binder.
The University will also provide Greek organizations with stipends for the sole purpose of throwing bigger and better parties. More money means bigger entertainment, so Boosie or Miley Cyrus better make an appearance on campus real soon.
Well there you have it, Tigers. The University is making extreme improvements to the school so we can be the college known for the most outrageous parties in the country. Raise your solo cup in a toast to becoming No. 1!
LSU Collegefessions grading scale
D “Everytime I reject someone on Tinder, my heart smiles a little. I feel powerful.”
C “The beginning of warm weather marks the end of my favorite season on campus, yoga pants season. … RIP”
B “I like to cover myself in Vaseline and roll around my dorm like a shell less slug.”
A “Blackout drunk, woke up next to the school mascot. … Twice.”