So, I think I’m dying.
“Left foot blue.”
Are you kidding me?
If you haven’t figured it out, I’m playing Twister. (Well, okay I’m not playing Twister now, but it’s better if the story is told in the present tense.)
I mean, I consider myself I limber man, but this is just ridiculous.
However, it is coed Twister, so I’m doing the best I can to stay in the game, but the needle has yet to land on “right hand breast.”
I’ll keep my hopes up.
Anywho, I think I’m dying.
Please, at my funeral make sure they play “Blackbird” from The Beatles’ white album.
I love that song.
“Right hand red.”
I met a girl on the bus the other day who recognized me from my column.
Her name was Jane; she was a beautiful girl.
I started singing “Jane Says” and asked her if she had any addictions.
She had no idea what I was talking about, so I just said, “Wait right here for me, or try again tomorrow.”
Hi Jane.
“Left hand yellow.”
I had a dream the other night that I was a presidential canidate for the Democratic nomination, and I mixed up the words “figuratively” and “I’ve always used words I don’t know the meaning for.”
Then I dreamt that I was the president, and I couldn’t read … it was weird.
(That reminds me of that scene in “The Princess Bride” when the Sicilian said, “inconceivable!” To which the Spaniard replied, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”)
“Left foot red.”
Eww, today is Stephanie’s birthday. I didn’t get her a gift. What does it matter, I could buy her pearls from Tiffany’s and she still wouldn’t give it up.
Happy birthday, Stephanie.
Eww, it’s Eric’s birthday too. I didn’t get him a gift either. What does it matter; he’s always down for anything.
Happy birthday, Eric.
By the way, happy birthday Laura Patz, madame news editor!
“Right foot red.”
Never take a girl to play campus golf. They won’t understand, and you’ll just feel like an idiot.
For those of you who don’t know what campus golf is, I’m not telling you — it’s for your own good.
“Left hand green.”
Nachos are your favorite food? I like nachos.
There’s hot melted cheese, there’s crispy tortillas, what’s not to love?
Hi Mark F. Bonner, why are you in my head?
“Left hand blue.”
Did you know that the word “quaint” actually comes from an archaic Old English word meaning (What do you mean, “I can’t print that word?” — editors).
You see momma, I’m learning cool stuff in college.
“Right foot yellow.”
Damn-it I fell.