Editor’s note: The following column is satire.

Guys, I’m upset.

I’m a lifelong Democrat. Ever since I watched former President Joe Biden fall down that flight of stairs at Air Force One, I was sold. What’s not to like? Law and order, common sense, old people? No more malarkey for me, thanks.

I’ve heard a lot of blue-haired freaks complaining about “the establishment” on TikTok lately. But I think that’s ridiculous. How else are we supposed to stand up to Trump? We impeached him twice. It’s not Biden’s fault that deplorables are so stupid. Log off of Rednote and get another septum ring, buddy.

Honestly, these progressives are what costing us elections. Just look at what happened in New York. Frankly, I’m flabbergasted that Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani won the race. I can barely pronounce his name, much less bring myself to vote for the guy (good thing I’m from Breaux Bridge — New York sounds cold).

He’s such a grifter. He keeps whining about free public transportation, but we already have Amtrak. I’ve never ridden on a train (my parents don’t even pay taxes), but it can’t be that hard to get to work. For Christ’s sake, buy a bike. I’m a Schwinn guy myself.

Seriously, these New Yorkers are so impatient. If they could just wait until Gov. Gavin Newsom wins in 2028, we’ll all get tax credits. Who needs free childcare when you can get 400 bonus bucks from the IRS?

Besides, the subways will get so much safer once Newsom sends all the homeless people to Santa Cruz. Maybe Curtis Sliwa wouldn’t have gotten shot five times if he would’ve trusted the system a little more.

And what’s this crap about freezing rent? Get a roommate and buy a blanket. Burlington has cute jackets. I’d rather shiver through a few cold winters than put some socialist nut in office.

At least Andrew Cuomo has experience. He grew up in the governor’s mansion, after all. I’m sure he’s learned his lesson this time.

I just don’t get why people don’t trust establishment Democrats anymore. They’ve done so much for the working class. I’m sure they’ll forgive my student loans eventually.

What this country really needs is some faith in democracy. Jan. 6 really scarred me, you know? I still remember the day: I was skiing in Aspen with my mother’s third husband, when all of a sudden I got a Facebook post notification saying that a police officer had been shot.

That really shook me because I love the police so much. I had a mall cop give me a donut one time. So much for ACAB.

Anyway, Mamdani scares me more than Jan. 6. First of all, his name scares me (I can’t put a finger on why). But second, I just feel like this country needs more moderates. Cheaper rent, free subways, universal childcare? What’s next? Trans women running track? Caitlyn Jenner already has an Olympic medal. What more do you people want?

This country needs a return to normalcy. As someone who goes to a public university (I got waitlisted at Tulane), I think I have a pretty good pulse on what the average American needs. And let me be the first to tell you Brooklyn commies: they don’t need free healthcare. They need stability.

If we want to win in 2028, we should stop listening to what New York voters are telling us. They don’t know what’s good for them. Frankly, Hurricane Sandy should’ve finished the job.

If the Democratic Party doesn’t put Newsom on the ticket in three years, I’m going to make Jan. 6 look like a field trip. Have a little faith in the establishment, guys. Sure, we might’ve lost to Trump last year, but that’s because former Vice President Kamala Harris kept posting about Brat Summer. As the old saying goes, third time’s the charm, right?

I really like voting blue. Seeing a bunch of Ds on my ballot on Election Day gives me a patriotic rush. There’s something about the Kennedys and the Clintons and the Cuomos that makes me feel safe and warm.

So if you’re mad about ICE raids, worried about SNAP benefits and are in a tizzy over Trump, don’t worry. Close your eyes, hum the national anthem and pray for the establishment. I’m sure we’ll get ‘em next time.

Cade Savoy is a 21-year-old political science and philosophy major from Breaux Bridge, La.