Fans of Tiger football have known since time immemorial that LSU has perhaps the most awe-inspiring and fear-inducing stadium in the NCAA.
It renders the loudest visiting quarterbacks deaf to their own calls and shakes the very ground of Baton Rouge.
In order to exploit the high attendance rates, willingness to participate in chanting and marked lack of napping in the rear pews, the Vatican announced on Sunday His Holiness Pope Francis will consecrate Tiger Stadium as LSU’s first cathedral.
The highest earthly authority will formalize what we have accepted in our hearts since childhood.
Tiger Stadium is commonly referred to as the “cathedral of college football.” With the addition to the south end zone, it is often called the “Saint Peter’s Basilica of college football.”
With the Pope’s blessing, our beloved pantheon of concrete and steel will now be a literal cathedral of college football.
When asked about his decision to consecrate a place that glorifies violence, is full of unspeakable language and houses hedonistic acts, the Pope replied, “A place so vast that it can hold 102,321 of God’s children and has never felt one drop of rain on a Saturday must be truly blessed. Oddly specific, but blessed nonetheless.”
In addition, Pope Francis announced the administration of the cathedral will be given to Coach Les Miles, who will be ordained as the first Archbishop of Death Valley. According to the Holy See, the newly minted Archbishop Miles will have total autonomy, short of directives from His Holiness.
When asked about his plans for running the Cathedral of Saint Mike, Coach Miles alluded to the possibility of mandatory communion prior to every game, wherein fans would have to eat a blade of grass plucked from the field and take a shot of Fireball. Anyone who refuses would be subject to a “STTDB” jeer.
He also noted the Painted Posse would be restructured to form his own inquisition, aimed at hunting down and, as he put it, “ … converting the non-believers.”
“Nobody’s gonna expect it,” Miles cackled before breaking into ten minutes of maniacal laughter.
It’s about time we utilize the palpable fanaticism on this campus and root out anyone not fully committed to the belief that the Tigers are the one true Louisiana college football team.
I’m looking at you, ULL.
It is expected in the coming weeks that the Archbishop’s office will announce the beatification of notable Tigers, including all the Chinese Bandits. Additionally, former coach Nick Saban will be excommunicated. Saban, according to eyewitness accounts, has been reported to rise from a flaming hole in the ground whenever he visits campus for games, which will henceforth be referred to as services.
The first home service is September 6 against the heathens from Sam Houston State. I fully expect my fellow Tigers to be out in force, showing our faith in Archbishop Miles and the team. The “cathedral of college football” needs a packed house for its post-construction debut.
Absences will be subject to investigation by the inquisition.
Ryan McGehee is a 21-year-old political science, history, and international studies senior from Zachary, La. You can reach him on Twitter @JRyanMcGehee.