Editor’s note: The following piece is satire.

If you’ve been watching LSU football lately… well, we’re sorry you’re wasting your time watching this train wreck explode.

Just like thousands of other students on LSU’s campus, we are more than disappointed in redshirt junior quarterback Garrett Nussmeier’s performance this season — especially his stunning lack of running the ball, no matter how many people tell him to.

There has to be a way of finding another gear that would make Nussmeier turn into Usain Bolt, but what would it be? 

LSU’s campus squirrels

LSU’s campus squirrels are no ordinary rodents; they’re local celebrities. Known for fearless antics and the ability to close in on unsuspecting students like a heat-seeking missile, one of these furry fiends could make Nussmeier pick up the pace.

Some of them are tame, but as most students have experienced, others are a completely different breed from the squirrel’s name itself.

From squaring up students on the sidewalk to dragging food bags into trees — not bags of food, they abandon the food and simply take the bag to have as a tasty snack — these gremlins have certainly made a name for themselves.

It’s a name we should incorporate into LSU football.

Imagine dodging an acorn assault or a squirrel on a mission — it’s not a bad way to work on lateral quickness. 

Right now, a campus squirrel might be what we need to make Nussmeier the best running quarterback in the SEC and could even lead us to the college football championships. 

We could even look into making the squirrel the quarterbacks coach. We’ll figure out translation later, but after watching their mobility skills, Nussmeier could learn a thing or two. 

But how would they truly shape him into a star quarterback? 

Well, these squirrels are naturally very speedy if they’re not dragging items twice their size underneath them.

By putting Nussmeier in the end zone at practice, a squirrel will be positioned behind him, where he will then chase him for hours on end until he’s perfected his running skills.

Given that they practically own LSU’s campus, rendering students just visitors, they can also own Brian Kelly’s football practice and perfect Nussmeier into the perfect running quarterback.

Scooter privileges revoked

If there’s one thing student-athletes don’t have to fear like the rest of LSU’s student body does — it’s the idea of being struck by a scooter approaching you at what feels like 100 miles per hour.

So, adding to the list of things that could turn Nussmeier into a runner, is taking away his scooter. 

Our football players shouldn’t be walking or using their perfectly able bodies; they need those scooters as to not over-exert themselves so they’ll be rested and ready. 

But do you know what could also get Nussmeier ready for a game?

Running across campus.

If LSU confiscates Nussmeier’s electric scooter, he could get some extra practice in running to class.

While that might not be encouraged for safety reasons, it’s almost a guarantee that students would clear the way for Nussmeier if they saw him booking it down Free Speech Alley. 

They would stop in their tracks because LSU’s failing quarterback is finally running – and for once not in the opposite direction.

It’s a win-win for the LSU student body all around. We have one less student-athlete endangering the sidewalks of campus with an electric scooter and a fantastic comeback from Nussmeier for the remainder of the season.

An uncomfortably gracious Brian Kelly

Next up, Brian Kelly. As we’ve seen, he just keeps losing games. One moment he’s leading the Tigers onto the field of Death Valley, and in another, he’s throwing a temper tantrum on the sidelines. 

It doesn’t seem like Nussmeier would be as afraid of Kelly as he would be a campus squirrel given that they sit around and hold hands while Kelly makes excuses for his bad games.

But seeing as though Nussmeier doesn’t want to run the ball either, what else can Kelly do to motivate him?

We’ve seen him yell at the quarterback on the sidelines, and we’ve seen him defend his horrible plays, so maybe the only option left is good old-fashioned peace-and-love gratitude.

This could mean having Nussmeier start in the north end zone and Kelly in the south, having him run to Kelly in such a way that they share a “Dirty Dancing” time-of-my-life moment, where Nussmeier practically soars into Kelly’s embrace.

Perhaps the only thing left to get Nussmeier out of a slump is bringing him and Kelly together as if no one else exists to them in the world, which is certainly how they’ve been acting all year given that together they destroyed their chances of returning to Atlanta to bring home the SEC Championship.